One year ago today I spent the day sitting outside of church crying. First of all, there wasn't enough room to even stand in the back. Second I didn't have the heart to pretend, to go through the motions. Just two days prior John and I had heard the words Rett Syndrome for the first time. I wanted so badly to believe that there is no way Emmy could have such a horrible disease but in my heart I knew. The day before we had been sitting on John's parent's deck and Emmy was looking at their cat through the glass door. Just a few short months before she had been saying cat and smiling. Now when we tried to get her to repeat it, she just stared blankly ahead. When I think about what it sounded like to hear words coming from her mouth my heart breaks again and again. When I would hear those words I thought it was just the beginning. But instead it was slowly coming to an end.
Although we weren't officially diagnosed until JULY, yes JULY, a whole two months later, last Easter weekend marked the beginning of what has been the bumpiest road I've traveled. There are times when I want to scream. And there are times when I want to wrap her up, hold her and make it all go away. There are times when I accept Rett Syndrome and then there are times I feel certain they'll find a cure. Whatever the future holds for Emelia I just want to love her. I want to take the time to understand her, to give her choices, to work as hard as I can to help her learn and grow. She is a beautiful, sweet little girl who deserves it all.
So I'm certain each Easter weekend will stir up these emotions again and again. I will shop for things to put into their Easter baskets and remember when she used to walk up to her Easter basket, sit down on the floor, pull out a special book I bought her and flip the pages. I will long for the time before I even knew Rett Syndrome existed...back when I allowed myself to dream of Emelia's future. I will take the time to mourn the loss of what I thought would be. And then, I will shake it off and focus on the good, all the blessings I have in my life. I will ask God to give me strength, patience and courage to tackle what lies ahead and have faith that He will help me through.